If we’re being totally honest with one another, lovely, I had no intention of writing this blog post today. I actually had no intention of writing this blog post ever. But as I sit out on my back patio with the birds chirping and the breeze blowing, I can’t bring myself to write about the incredibly practical and business-minded topic I had in mind for us. Instead, I feel a strong tug on my heart to share where my mind’s been lately. And after all we’ve walked through together, from cross-country moves to unmeasurable losses to making our little house a home, I know I can always share candidly with you.

If we’re being totally honest, I’ve been struggling with an immense amount of pressure lately. Actually, I’ve been struggling under the weight of that pressure for over a year now. And although I’ve shared glimpses on Instagram and in face-to-face conversations, it wasn’t until recently that I fully recognized how I was struggling, what that meant and how I could rise out of it. Now, I realize this probably all sounds incredibly dramatic and ominous, but I promise you it’s nothing too serious! Through some of the Instagram posts I’ve been sharing lately, you may have picked up on the fact that I’ve been struggling to stay inspired, to make self-care more of a priority, and to get my sense of balance to a better place. And maybe you’ve been there, too, friend. Maybe you’ve been wrestling with some of those same issues, and felt like you were the only one. Because surely in this industry of perfect little Instagram squares and Pinterest-worthy moments, no one but you could ever feel like they could be a better wife, mom, daughter, friend or individual, right?

Well, lovely, that’s such a load of bologna. I can’t count the number of days I’ve felt like a failure creatively over the past few months, or that I must be a horrible business owner, or that I’m an awful wife for not making more time for my husband, or that I’m a terrible person in general for eating fries for dinner instead of making a gourmet home cooked meal. Over the past months, I’ve been struggling to hold my footing under the load of a huge amount of pressure. You see, since early last year, I’ve been the sole provider for our family. Armon, my husband, is a full-time student who only recently found the margin in his schedule to take on a part-time position. From my little creative business, I cover our mortgage, our insurance payments, groceries, utilities, credit card payments, car payments, student loans and everything in-between!

I don’t share that truth to complain or make light of others’ struggles that are far greater than mine. But I do share this in case you’re also shouldering the heavy burden of sole financial provider in your own life. We were blessed up until last year to have never asked my little business to bring in that kind of money. And when we made this transition, we did our research and believed that my business could sustain that kind of pressure. And it can! But what we didn’t account for what the amount of emotional strain that kind of pressure would put on me.

Maybe you’re just like me, in the fact that we created these businesses of ours out of passion, love and creativity. And so much of the joy our creativity brought us stemmed from the freedom to create organically and authentically, without any constraints whatsoever. But the moment you take your passion and demand that it be profitable, everything changes. You have to fight harder for the freedom to create organically, and to create for fun. You have to fight to maintain your level of passion, and you have to fight to stay inspired in the midst of overwhelming deadlines and massive goals.

The other day I realized that I’ve been struggling to remain personally inspired, to feel motivated and fully creative because I took something I loved and I made incredibly high demands of it. I asked that this work that I love – this little business that I built out of nothing – sustain us. I asked it to pay our bills, to feed us, to put clothes on our backs and to still be something that I loved. And shame on me for putting such high pressures on my work, on my creative spark, without expecting some kind of repercussion.

I’ve been struggling with motivation, personal inspiration, and the desire to continue creating solely because I feel crippled by high financial goals and a huge amount of pressure to provide for our family. And I’ve been holding onto that struggle so quietly and privately that I haven’t dared open up about it to find camaraderie or comfort in the hundreds of others who are struggling with something similar in their current seasons of life.

But here’s the truth, the light, in this struggle of mine, friend. All of these pressures I’ve been allowing to weigh me down are self-inflicted. My sweet husband doesn’t expect me to make six figures every month. Our budget is structured in such a way that I can have a slower month and we’ll be okay. The only pressure I’m feeling to succeed without fail comes from within. There may be slower months where I can’t meet the goals I’ve set for myself. And in that season, there is grace. There may be months were I struggle to stay inspired and to create my best work every single day. And in that season, there is grace. There is grace in every season, and I wholeheartedly offer myself the same amount of grace I would extend to a colleague who found themselves in a similar season. Because although I’ve been struggling lately, this won’t last forever.

I’m learning to give myself the space and freedom to not be perfect. I’m learning to pursue my creativity with a reckless abandon instead of lazily assuming it would always come at my beck and call. I’m learning to build a determined level of motivation within, even on the days when I don’t want to. Because I believe the work that I do is worth it, I believe my sweet husband is worth it, and I believe my sweet clients are worth it, too.

Maybe you’ve been in a season where you feel crippled by pressure, whether self-inflicted or otherwise. If so, I hope you know you’re not alone in this. Although this season may seem thick with clouds and grey skies, let’s rest assured that they won’t last forever.